Random thoughts

I sit here, bored yet energetic. Tired but awake.

A whole list of to-dos is yelling for my attention but I refuse to even wink at it.
It is tempting to delve into the cycle of work with just that one goal to finish up all I am supposed to do so that the nagging burden of work can be thrusted off my chest.

But it never does.

As we all know, it is a choice so for the past two days, I've made the choice to just slow down my pace of life. One of the things that I'm doing that's bringing me some joy is the attempt to read a Chinese book - the translated version of Freakonomics.

So far so good. 29 pages into the book. Out of how many? Beats me. I'd rather not know because the moment I know how many pages there are in a book, the more driven I am to reach the end - even if it means to compromise on the pleasure of reading ande understanding the preceding pages.

I think that's why sometimes God chooses not to let me know what is ahead and what is my destination because that was never meant to be my focus. Change as we all know it, is the only constant in life. If I set my eyes only at the end, I will be resistant to change because I'd have mapped out my own path. Let me give an example.

Let's start with something based on pure imagination. Say, I know that at the end of the 5th year from now, I am to be a millionaire, my most natural thought is that, "All right, I've got to work hard to make that happen". And so, day and night, I slog to earn even my first $10,000.

So my bank account peaks for the first time at a 5-digit sum. Fine, no big deal. Then there goes another few months another 10K. And after a while, I get used to my bank savings swelling. . Then, I start to expect it to continuously grow to 1 million. Anything out of that expectation, I flip.

With growing expectations, I start to control my finances. Work harder, save more, work harder, save more, work harder, save more and the mantra chants on.

I start to lose my focus on God and His promise and begin to move in my own "intelligent" way, assuming God's promise of earning my first million in the next five years will work the way I've engineered it to be. (Note: Please remember this is a hypothetical situation. God has not said anything to me though I secretly have been hoping so!)

In contrast, if I hadn't known of what will happen in 5 years' time, hadn't known that I'd earn my first million by then, I would have released myself from the control of my future. I'd learn to enjoy the journey more. I'd learn to trust that God can take me on a shortcut, or He can otherwise lead me along a longer stretch of green pasture.

So I decided, however tempting it may be, to not flip to the last page to read the ending of the book or check the page number because what I don't want the final page number to keep reappearing each time I flip the page.

I just want to enjoy.

OK. I'm moody and hungry.

I'm gonna go read. or pack my table. as usual. it deserves some attention.

YAWNS.